Ghosts of a pre-hauntological past

Yesterday I spent five hours laying on my bed in my sky blue Am Appy briefs listening to Neon Indian.

And I began to think. Who am I? Why am I at Yale? What will I do with my life?

I think 2012 will be the end of history. Not the end of the world. The end of history. We’ve reached a post-authentic age.

Art is dead.
Poetry is dead.
Opera is dead.
Symphony is dead.
Painting is dead.
Sculpture is dying.
Photography is dead.
Bloggable indie is mainstream/dead.
Film is stale.
Post-reality television is dying [via Skins].

There’s no future for our generation. This is the end of a generation. An end to history. Everything that can be done has already been done. We are generation:Slutwave. We are media whores.

Modernism is dead.
Progress is dead.
Conceptualism is dead.
Authenticity is dead.

We are the post-hipster generation. We are all hipsters. We are the generation of hauntology. We have tasted the forbidden fruit of post-irony, and now we will be expelled from the Garden of Eden. We are aware of the nakedness of our own performativity. Progress is a sham. We are the post-modern, post-conceptual, post-authentic generation. We have nothing to our names but our insincerity. We are the end of history.

After laying on my bed thinking these thoughts for five hours, I got pretty tired of listening to Neon Indian. So I turned on Toro y Moi and sang along. It was fun.

Faithfully,
Miles Wayfarer

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BREAKING NEWS: Tofu apple crisp spotted in Pierson dining hall

Today at brunch, the controversial tofu apple crisp dish, consisting of tofu, apples, and crisp, was spotted in the Pierson dining hall, putting to rest the rumors that Yale Dining had discontinued this vegan dish. According to the Yale Dining online menu, tofu apple crisp was served in many of the residential colleges at today’s brunch. In Pierson, the dish appeared to be only a quarter eaten around 1 pm, but it is unclear how many full dishes had been consumed and replenished earlier in the day.

This “dessert” has had a long and controversial history at Yale. On the one hand, Yale Dining describes it as a “Smart Choice Item” as part of their “Eat Smart, Live Well” program. According to their website, a “Smart Choice Item” must have “less than 500 calories, less than 30% calories from fat & less than 10% saturated fat, less than 100 mg of cholesterol, and less than 600 mg of sodium.” In 2007, PETA praised Yale for it’s vegetarian friendliness, describing it as one of the nations most vegetarian-friendly campuses.

On there other hand, there has been a long history of student resistance to this supposed “dessert.” One student in the dining hall today described it as “God’s wrath” visited upon us for our sins. A Facebook group named “Apple crisp with TOFU?!? Seriously, WTF?!?” argues that while tofu dishes are normally acceptable, tofu does not belong in desserts like apple crisp. Another Facebook group “Yale students against Meatless Monday” attempts to depict a fascist food agenda at Yale, citing tofu apple crisp as the beginning of this conspiracy for promoting healthy, bad tasting food. Even Taps, Yale’s tap dance organization, has spoken out against the dish, depicting tofu apple crisp as a supervillain in their superhero themed show last spring.

The history of tofu apple crisp is fuzzy. A quick search online found few if any references to the dish outside of the context of Yale. Ultimately, as we finish our brunch and go off to the library to study, we’re left with so many unanswered questions. Who invented tofu apple crisp? When did Yale begin serving this? Who eats this? Why would anyone think putting tofu in an apple dessert was a good idea? Is this part of a vast conspiracy hatched by Richard Levin to advance his fascist “pro-tofu apple” agenda despite the pleas of the Yale community? If anyone has information, please let us know.

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BREAKING NEWS: Etkin Tekin wins Caseus cheese truck challenge, names new sandwich

Etkin Tekin, a junior in Calhoun, attempted the Caseus cheese truck challenge at 2pm today, which consists of eating ten grilled cheese sandwiches of the contestants choice in an hour. Those who manage the feat get to name the sandwich they ate and are awarded a free sandwich each week for a year.

Etkin managed to eat ten grilled cheese, bacon, and guacamole sandwiches in thirty-two minutes, finishing with twenty-eight minutes to spare. Thus, the bacon and guacamole sandwich has now been dubbed “The Tekin.” In the beginning, he was eating roughly a sandwich a minute and described the sandwiches as “delicious.” But as time wore on, he slowed down and claimed that he may never eat “The Tekin” again.

The crowd grew as people gathered to watch. One spectator declared, “This is like an affront to God!” Some spectators took pictures while others tweeted about it. Afterward, one spectator declared that he was “aroused” by Etkin’s stunning performance of eating. By his fourth sandwich, Etkin’s friends circled him, encouraging him as he went. To one of his friends, Etkin declared, “I only did this because you said I couldn’t.”  By the end of the contest, he looked beat but was still in good spirits.

Etkin, who has  participated in many eating contests in the past, said his strategy was to eat them as fast as he could. Apparently, the cheese hardens in the stomach with time making it more difficult toward the end of the contest. Also, the dry crust can be one of the most difficult parts of the sandwich to stomach, so Etkin went to Durfee’s beforehand to buy a bottle of water and Gatorade.

Tonight, Etkin can sleep well [via Pepto Bismal] that he is the first to accomplish this feat. The previous contestant only managed to stomach seven and a quarter sandwiches and gave up with ten minutes left in the contest. This momentous day in the history of Yale, perhaps the greatest since the invention of the Wentzel, will be remembered for generations.

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So this is the new year

2010 was kind of a shit year. It seems like the best thing that happened was “California Gurls”/”My Beautiful Dark Twisted Teenage Dream.” (Although Matt & Kim at Spring Fling was pretty rad.) And 2011 doesn’t seem much better. It’s cold and icy. Someone got hit by a falling ice sheet. My class schedule is lackluster. Hipsterism/authenticity is mainstream/dead.

A lot has happened in my life over winter break, a lot that I didn’t see coming. Christmas is at once the happiest and most depressing holiday. Seeing my family and high school “friends” again after so long made me remember the person I once was before attending Yale. And it scared me. I abandoned much of that in which I believed; I questioned and lost faith in many notions and convictions by which I lived; I no longer know what it means to be authentic; and as a result, I am forging a whole new future — a whole new me.

So here are my new years resolutions:

1. Stay in shape.
2. Keep my grades up.
3. Get a really good internship this summer that will eventually lead to a six figure salary after graduation.
4. Get into a good secret society (because honestly, everyone who’s someone is in one).
5. Become a personage at Yale.
6. Hook up with at least seven girls (or find a girlfriend).
7. Become a better writer/learn to express myself via blogging.

And here are my long term goals:

1. Make six figures after graduation, or
2. Save the world (maybe by solving world hunger or something).
3. Find true love.

I know these things might sound too idealistic, but I choose to believe that a better world is possible. Isn’t it a disservice to society to not dream of a better future? Isn’t that what Obama’s 2008 “Hope” campaign taught us?

Faithfully,
Miles Wayfarer

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